Thinking About Parents Moving In With You?

Photo by Jorc Navarro

I recently read an excellent article by Nanette Lavoie-Vaughan titled, "Role Reversal -- Your Parents Moving In," on the Military Officers Association of America website.  The article discusses parents moving in with adult children, and provides a great list of considerations for anyone contemplating this move.  Here are some of them:

• Evaluate the level of care and assistance your parents will need and how this would be provided in your home.
• Assess the activities of daily living that your parents can perform independently.
• Determine how comfortable you are with providing personal hygiene care -- bathing, help with the bathroom, diapers, etc. -- it that level of care is necessary.
• Be honest about your health and physical condition in considering whether you can provide care.
• Research the availability and cost of services like in-home care and adult day care.
• Discuss a backup plan if you or your parents find that the situation doesn't work.
• Determine the level of medical care needed by your parents and its availability in your community.
• Discuss the relocation with siblings and other family members to determine their feelings about the change.

These are all great topics to discuss before you and your parents make the move.  There some other topics that could be added to the discussion based on my personal experience and the experiences of friends.

• Talk about how the relocation might affect your parents' social lives.  My mother has a friend who moved in with her son and his wife after her husband passed away.  This friend and her husband had maintained an active social life while living in an apartment community close to the downtown area of a small Virginia city.  Now, she's located in a rural area miles from downtown with no way to visit friends or take advantage of the many activities available to senior residents of this very senior-friendly community.  Her son's house is located at the top of a small mountain with a narrow and winding road as the only means of access.  My mother's friend feels isolated and alone.
• Consider how might your career plans affect the arrangement.  A career-mandated move across country with a live-in parent would be a difficult and unwelcome challenge to someone already facing health issues.
• Do you or your parents have pets?  Are your pets compatible with your parents and are their pets compatible with you?  This might seem like an easy issue to solve, but it's not.  For many of us, our pets are very close to children and putting them down or sending them to a shelter and an uncertain fate are gut-wrenching decisions.

This is not an easy situation for your or your parents.  Hopefully, you'll be able to have these discussions before a move becomes absolutely necessary.  If you've faced this decision, please share your thoughts about better ways to evaluate the relocation.